For the past year, ever since I came back from Italy, I've been having a recurring dream. In it, I am in an odd, dangerous, or scary place and there I run into Douglas, my Scottish dad. We sit and talk. Sometimes we were meant to meet there and other times, it's a complete surprise and he tells me off for being alone in such a place. (very true to what he would do if this were real.) We talk and catch up. There is always this nervousness though. I'm afraid and anxious. I know where that comes from. While I was staying with him, Douglas asked me how I knew that I knew that my church was true. Questions about my beliefs or why I did things were normal conversations for us. It was usually easy to say it in a way that I could assure him that I wasn't pushing my beliefs on to him. This is just why I did what I did. This is what I believed. This question about how I could possibly know, really caught me off guard. I didn't recall ever telling him that I knew anything. But that was the emphasis of his question. I was afraid to tell him, and bare my testimony because I felt I knew it would be crossing a line. I could not tell him my testimony and leave him completely out of it. I couldn't say I knew something was true without implying that other things were wrong. So, I avoided the question. I never answered. He asked it at least twice while I was there, and like the chicken I was, I avoided it. I thought that it was best to keep our friendship. When these dreams began, I knew, instinctively, why it was. In each circumstance I felt the need to finally explain. But I never did. In a few of the dreams I attempted but I got distracted or the dream would end or something would change. When I realized that this was happening. again and again. I realized that it could be the spirit telling me I needed to answer his question. I was at a loss how. I don't have Douglas' email and besides, without the dreams, I'm sure he's forgotten all about it. Writing to him, just to tell him how I knew I knew was so forward and so... not okay. I knew where he and Bianca stood. They were fine learning but they wanted to learn about me. Not about the church. This wasn't just intuitive. Every time we talked they'd put up their hands and say they were happy but, they are curious about me. I was fine, comfortable with that. So, this I knew, i know is crossing a boundary. And that justification continues to put off my need to tell Douglas. There have been times when I have felt the need so strongly that I would start a letter. I even finished a couple. However, looking over them, i knew it wasn't right. Something was missing. Something was off. I couldn't send this letter, which could seriously strain our friendship, unless it's basically perfect. Until I knew it was God's words behind me because as far as I was concerned, this was his idea, not mine.
This week, I was sitting in my fantastic New Testament class. My teacher (who is also my stake president and one of the wisest people i know) took us to a verse. Matt 13:58. " And he did not many mighty works there because of their aunbelief." President Baron talked about how that could be a hit to the gut. Because we do not believe God cannot perform all the miracles he would. Well, I have felt prompted in other places and by other speakers but the doctrine and power that President Baron teaches with pretty much pounded me. I realized that I wasn't living with faith in this. I was afraid. I did not believe that God could make any good come from my testimony. I did not believe that he could change hearts. and that belief was preventing it from happening. So the rest of the day was miserable until I finally got a moment (which turned into 3 hours) where I could go on my own and officially not care what it sounded like, or how touching it was, I was writing down my testimony. When I was done, with a lot of tears, and a lot of prayers, I felt like it was what I was supposed to write. It was what I was supposed to send.
Yesterday I had a dream that I was in Bergamo. I was with Scott and Finlay and Douglas and Bianca and we were all happier than we had been in a long time. I was rolling around with the boys and talking to Douglas and Bianca. They weren't converted or anything. That's not what this post is about. In fact, nothing had changed except that we were all happy. I woke up elated, and relieved.
Maybe it's the spirit. Maybe it's my psyche. Maybe it's both. Maybe it doesn't matter. I just felt like everything was finally okay. Not because they accepted what I sent but because I acted with faith in God instead of fear of man. Because I made Him my master. That makes all the difference. In my head, and my heart, and in my life.When they get that package, they might not be happy and things might not be okay with us, and that's hard. That dream of us all being happy together might not be the way it really turns out in the end.
So often in life, it's not the end result that matters. I mean, to be blunt, life ends with death. I know that there is Celestial Glory and all that but, is that really an end or a beginning? Sometimes I wonder if it's really about the end. What's the end? Life ends with death and then we live again and it never ends. So, life can't be about where you get in the end. There is no end. It's about what you make of yourself each day. It's about enjoying the ride and making the trip there the best one you can.
This week, I was sitting in my fantastic New Testament class. My teacher (who is also my stake president and one of the wisest people i know) took us to a verse. Matt 13:58. " And he did not many mighty works there because of their aunbelief." President Baron talked about how that could be a hit to the gut. Because we do not believe God cannot perform all the miracles he would. Well, I have felt prompted in other places and by other speakers but the doctrine and power that President Baron teaches with pretty much pounded me. I realized that I wasn't living with faith in this. I was afraid. I did not believe that God could make any good come from my testimony. I did not believe that he could change hearts. and that belief was preventing it from happening. So the rest of the day was miserable until I finally got a moment (which turned into 3 hours) where I could go on my own and officially not care what it sounded like, or how touching it was, I was writing down my testimony. When I was done, with a lot of tears, and a lot of prayers, I felt like it was what I was supposed to write. It was what I was supposed to send.
Yesterday I had a dream that I was in Bergamo. I was with Scott and Finlay and Douglas and Bianca and we were all happier than we had been in a long time. I was rolling around with the boys and talking to Douglas and Bianca. They weren't converted or anything. That's not what this post is about. In fact, nothing had changed except that we were all happy. I woke up elated, and relieved.
Maybe it's the spirit. Maybe it's my psyche. Maybe it's both. Maybe it doesn't matter. I just felt like everything was finally okay. Not because they accepted what I sent but because I acted with faith in God instead of fear of man. Because I made Him my master. That makes all the difference. In my head, and my heart, and in my life.When they get that package, they might not be happy and things might not be okay with us, and that's hard. That dream of us all being happy together might not be the way it really turns out in the end.
So often in life, it's not the end result that matters. I mean, to be blunt, life ends with death. I know that there is Celestial Glory and all that but, is that really an end or a beginning? Sometimes I wonder if it's really about the end. What's the end? Life ends with death and then we live again and it never ends. So, life can't be about where you get in the end. There is no end. It's about what you make of yourself each day. It's about enjoying the ride and making the trip there the best one you can.
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