Speaking of changing the world

Today I felt an odd desire... to blog. I was meditating... something I do a lot now because I learned that it's really good for you... and I thought of a question... which led to more... as questions often do...here are my questions and my thoughts about 'em...

What would change if whenever we talked about people we only ever said good things? What would change if when we had a problem with people, we went and talked to them- and only them- and told them our issues and then when we left that conversation, regardless of what transpired in it, what if we then went back to the world and still only spoke well of that person? What would change if we knew that people were only ever saying good things about us? What if our first inclination when we saw people wasn't to judge them as bad, but to judge them as good?

See, this is what I've decided, I have a serious problem with gossiping and complaining. I discovered this because for the last two weeks I've been doing an assignment where I'm not supposed to say anything sarcastic or rude or complaining or gossiping. And i haven't done well at all on the assignment. And as I was doing this assignment I realized something else. I have some friends that are really good at always saying nice things. always. They find reasons to be happy when it's pouring rain and you have to change your clothes every time you go outside, and you don't have a car so you're walking to the grocery store, and when you get there you don't have enough money and they still make the trip the funnest thing in the world. And the only thing that's different is they focus on the good. Also with these friends,  I don't talk about other people negatively because I know that these friends would be uncomfortable doing that. It's not something they do and so when I'm with them, we find other things to talk about or talk about good qualities or things that impress us. Then I have friends that complain so naturally that I join in and don't even realize how negative I'm being- usually about something that doesn't even bug me that much- just because I'm in the company of people that feel like complaining. How often do these people say that they are so tired, or hungry, or not excited to take a test. And being with them, i get tired and hungry and test anxiety. Not that I'm blaming my friends completely, but I realized that it's not really that I'm upset or happy, it's really just how I choose to be.

There was one day that I did really good on this assignment and I discovered something. The spirit invites positive conversation. and something else. Positive conversation invites the spirit. That day was incredible and I thought how much I wanted to always live like that. Having the spirit influencing your thoughts and therefore your words, therefore your outlook on the world, therefore your influence on the world. It can really change everything. So, I was so excited to change my life.

And then I realized that I am so affected by the people and conversation around me. Influenced enough to be complaining about the weather with one person and celebrating it 5 minutes later with a different person. I also realized that the way we talk to people is a huge part of our friendship. Find someone that you always gossip with. Then have a conversation with them and try not to gossip. It's awful. I couldn't believe the kind of habit it was, but I realized that it was difficult to talk about something different with some people because we spend so much time saying bad things that it's just a habit. It's just part of our relationship. Ew. Gross. That can't be a healthy relationship. I don't leave the conversation happy. I leave feeling validated. Someone feels the way I do. But, I'm not happy. I'm indifferent, or begrudged even... hard hearted.

Just my language does this. Isn't that crazy? We don't have to be saying anything bad about gospel principles, but talking negatively really hardens us and makes us hate the world. And who the heck wants to live in a world that they hate. One of the craziest things is, I don't even hate the world. I really don't. But sometimes I pretend I do because I'm with people that pretend they do. I honestly think that out of 20 people that are complaining to each other about the same thing, maybe one is actually upset enough that it's driving them crazy and they can't be happy. and when we're complain about the weather, i bet it's like 1 in 1000 that find heavy wind (this is Rexburg, we complain about the wind) so unbearable that they can't see that the world is still an okay place to be. I consider myself a happy person with generally happy friends. So how crazy is it that most of us happy people spend more time talking about things that upset us than things that make us happy. Why do we waste energy doing that? No wonder we're always talking about how tired we are!

So, back to my questions. WHAT IF... we all stopped. What if from this second onward we only said positive things about... well first people... and then the world. What would change? Well, I think we'd all have more fun talking to people and we might very well bounce around like second graders because the world seems so right. (seriously, second graders= awesome) We'd be more eager to talk to everyone. Friends. Family. Strangers. Because we would know that we would leave the conversation even happier than we came to it. Then I also thought, well what if we secretly hate someone but are only saying happy things. Would that destroy us? Well, I think there are extremes but, my first thought was no. It would refine us. It would help us learn to love people despite the issues we have with them. Then I thought, it would be okay to talk to that one person that's bugging us and tell them that they are bugging us. But if we did it in this same positive spirit, it would almost be a sacred experience. Because if they looked at it as an opportunity to become better and you looked at it as an opportunity to reach understanding and find closure. If we were so used to be positive i think our criticism would be positive too. Or at least... it could be.
 
I think about the effect this would have on my family. If I always spoke well of my mom and dad I would not only honor them but, it would set everyone who was going to meet them up to meet a great person. And if my mom and dad knew that I spoke highly of them all the time, they would know that all my friends that know anything about them are expecting them to be awesome. And then they'd be inclined to be awesome. And if we only ever said good things, then even if my friends didn't think my parents are as awesome as I do, they would only tell me positive things about them. And when you say positive things out loud, you believe them a lot easier. This kind of starts to seem that we'd all be living in fantasy, kidding ourselves that the world is right. Kidding ourselves that everyone is great. But, don't I believe that everyone really does have greatness? So, what is really the dream, the way I'm living now, always speaking in the negative, or the way I could live, in the positive. I think that if I weighed the pros and cons of life- even now- I would still  come up with more positive than negative things about it.

Imagine the difference in Junior High. Don't kids feel so much insecurity because they think that everyone around them is watching them and judging them? Well, what if we lived in a world where these kids spent 13yrs with positive conversation coming from them and to them from all angles. Would they hit puberty and suddenly believe the world completely turned upside down? Maybe partly but,  I don't think it would be this dramatic.

Think about this idea from Elder Holland's talk "The Tongue of Angels": we pray to God and gossip about his children with the same instrument- our tongues. We complain and speak in gratitude with the same thing. We bear testimony and speak unkindly with our tongue. Doesn't that make it seem... defiled? How can we talk of mercy and forgiveness and then turn around and whisper that we hate so-and-so. Seriously?

So... my conclusions... what would change if we all spoke nicely... only things that need to be changed. So, I decided that I have to start making this a life change. It's not a two week project anymore. Its a Jana's life project. I want people to feel uplifted when they talk to me. I don't want to talk badly about people or things or the weather.

Why do we waste so much time complaining about things we can't change? Why don't we just celebrate the things that we like about those things we can't change? I mean, no matter how much I complain of wind, it won't stop. So why not talk about the good things about that. It changes how i feel. If I say I'll feel better when the wind stops- fine. I may never feel better. If I say I feel better because there are good things about the wind then I already feel better and it's on my terms. We should take responsibility for our own happiness.

So, this is my goal. And I know that this is going to be hard because of some of the relationships that I have that focus on life in the negative. I'll refer them to this blog. I apologize to everyone who I indulge in negative conversation with. What an awful waste of time. I've gained a testimony of language. Which isn't something i thought I needed a testimony of. But it changes things. And now that I know this... i have a responsibility to speak positive. To live in the positive. I want to live this way. It's a better way. a happier way.

I'm not changing the world, just what I say about it.

Why do you want to do City Year?

What would you look for if this were the last week of your life? Would Earth’s beauty make you breathless? Would the world’s majesty give you pause? Perhaps at the end of our lives, we’ll see life’s treasure; but by then, it will be too late. If we don’t open our eyes now, the monotony of daily tasks can erase enthusiasm and wonder. Life will be wasted on the things that don’t matter.  We will forget to live, in our effort to survive. At City Year there will be tasks that seem dreary, and days that are hard.  However, City Year’s vision is directed, with hope, to the future. This allows members to see past monotony and embrace possibility. At City Year, many of my fantastic ideals have proven to be a reality. I think that people can rise above expectations.  Those that wear the red jackets consistently raise the bar, and pull others up with them. I believe that we can design our futures; the City Year corps members give each child the crayon to map their dreams.  Children are small, innocent and overlooked. However, it is through these characteristics that their greatness is defined. The wide-eyed wonder of a child teaches us that the most important aspect of learning is our passion. I dream of showing children the power of knowledge. I will direct them to answers, encourage their questions; and learn as they discover. I want to coach them as they chase their dreams and share their thrill as they cross each milestone. I will teach them of the success that comes when we endure past disappointment. Together, in this pursuance of dreams we will transform ourselves from creatures of survival, to creatures that truly live. 

Discuss the social issue that most concerns you and the action you would take to address it.

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.”

–William Shedd

                Fear is a central force in every conflict. Fear would have us cower in our homes and draw the curtains on the problems outside. It lies at the heart of all decisions to give up and give in. If humanity is to endure, we must each conquer our fears. Often, our greatest fear is not that we will fail, but that our success will elevate us away from the comfort of the crowd.  If we accept our destiny as heroes, we will be exempt from taking on the role of innocent citizens, who have neither the strength nor the inherent responsibility to fight back. Most of us attempt to blend in. We will do anything to avoid the spotlight, even if that requires hiding our talents, beliefs, and goals. Heroes do not deny their power; they use their gifts to protect their values. They are armed with hope in mankind and in themselves. They are dreamers with the drive to pursue. Heroes stand out like a light in the darkness, naturally inspiring each of us to courageously raise our own torch. Because they are not bound by the status quo, they embrace differences and stand up even if they are standing alone. They encourage us to celebrate our strengths and overcome our weaknesses by recognizing the hero we are all meant to be. This arms us with weapons that will fortify us against our enemy. Heroes can illuminate the path to take, but the choice to walk the road belongs to each one of us. The strength of courage belongs to the individuals who recognize the light within, and choose to liberate it. Humanity’s victory is determined by the courage of the one.

I... had a dream once...

For the past year, ever since I came back from Italy, I've been having a recurring dream. In it, I am in an odd, dangerous, or scary place and there I run into Douglas, my Scottish dad. We sit and talk. Sometimes we were meant to meet there and other times, it's a complete surprise and he tells me off for being alone in such a place. (very true to what he would do if this were real.) We talk and catch up. There is always this nervousness though. I'm afraid and anxious. I know where that comes from. While I was staying with him, Douglas asked me how I knew that I knew that my church was true. Questions about my beliefs or why I did things were normal conversations for us. It was usually easy to say it in a way that  I could assure him that I wasn't pushing my beliefs on to him. This is just why I did what I did. This is what I believed. This question about how I could possibly know, really caught me off guard. I didn't recall ever telling him that I knew anything. But that was the emphasis of his question. I was afraid to tell him, and bare my testimony because I felt I knew it would be crossing a line. I could not tell him my testimony and leave him completely out of it. I couldn't say I knew something was true without implying that other things were wrong. So, I avoided the question. I never answered. He asked it at least twice while I was there, and like the chicken I was, I avoided it. I thought that it was best to keep our friendship. When these dreams began, I knew, instinctively, why it was. In each circumstance I felt the need to finally explain. But I never did. In a few of the dreams I attempted but I got distracted or the dream would end or something would change. When I realized that this was happening. again and again. I realized that it could be the spirit telling me I needed to answer his question. I was at a loss how. I don't have Douglas' email and besides, without the dreams, I'm sure he's forgotten all about it. Writing to him, just to tell him how I knew I knew was so forward and so... not okay. I knew where he and Bianca stood. They were fine learning but they wanted to learn about me. Not about the church. This wasn't just intuitive. Every time we talked they'd put up their hands and say they were happy but, they are curious about me. I was fine, comfortable with that. So, this I knew, i know is crossing a boundary. And that justification continues to put off my need to tell Douglas. There have been times when I have felt the need so strongly that I would start a letter. I even finished a couple. However, looking over them, i knew it wasn't right. Something was missing. Something was off. I couldn't send this letter, which could seriously strain our friendship, unless it's basically perfect. Until I knew it was God's words behind me because as far as I was concerned, this was his idea, not mine.
 This week, I was sitting in my fantastic New Testament class. My teacher (who is also my stake president and one of the wisest people i know) took us to a verse. Matt 13:58. " And he did not many mighty works there because of their ^aunbelief." President Baron talked about how that could be a hit to the gut. Because we do not believe God cannot perform all the miracles he would. Well, I have felt prompted in other places and by other speakers but the doctrine and power that President Baron teaches with pretty much pounded me. I realized that I wasn't living with faith in this. I was afraid. I did not believe that God could make any good come from my testimony. I did not believe that he could change hearts. and that belief was preventing it from happening. So the rest of the day was miserable until I finally got a moment (which turned into 3 hours) where I could go on my own and officially not care what it sounded like, or how touching it was,  I was writing down my testimony. When I was done, with a lot of tears, and a lot of prayers,  I felt like it was what I was supposed to write. It was what I was supposed to send.
Yesterday I had a dream that I was in Bergamo. I was with Scott and Finlay and Douglas and Bianca and we were all happier than we had been in a long time. I was rolling around with the boys and talking to Douglas and Bianca. They weren't converted or anything. That's not what this post is about. In fact, nothing had changed except that we were all happy. I woke up elated, and relieved.
Maybe it's the spirit. Maybe it's my psyche. Maybe it's both. Maybe it doesn't matter. I just felt like everything was finally okay. Not because they accepted what I sent but because I acted with faith in God instead of fear of man. Because I made Him my master. That makes all the difference. In my head, and my heart, and in my life.When they get that package, they might not be happy and things might not be okay with us, and that's hard. That dream of us all being happy together might not be the way it really turns out in the end.
So often in life, it's not the end result that matters. I mean, to be blunt, life ends with death. I know that there is Celestial Glory and all that but, is that really an end or a beginning? Sometimes I wonder if it's really about the end. What's the end? Life ends with death and then we live again and it never ends. So, life can't be about where you get in the end. There is no end. It's about what you make of yourself each day. It's about enjoying the ride and making the trip there the best one you can.